We are not always good at hard days. We’re still trying to learn the whole nobody’s leaving thing after lifetimes of people leaving. And so sometimes when things are hard we only hold each other in fits and spurts, and then we push and we pull and mess it all up. We end up feeling scared and lonely laying right next to the person who’s actually never leaving.
But we are working on it. We’re learning to recognize and hold steady when we’re pushing or being pushed, to lean in when we want to pull away. We’re learning to say “can you hold me” and “come here” even when our voices shake a little. To say we’re sorry when we realize we’re fighting somebody else’s voice, not hers, saying we’re not good enough. And to go to sleep in each other’s arms even when we feel a little restless and unsure.
It’s still new for both of us, being with someone who cares so deeply what we want and need. Neither of us is used to being able to voice things and feel heard, so even sometimes when we are heard it’s so unfamiliar we don’t know what to do. Funny, that.
Yesterday shook us both, and we probably should’ve held tight to each other and not let go… I wish I would’ve managed to push past my own fog and pull her in more for sure.
But God we are getting so much better. All the healing of this past year has brought us so far. Yesterday’s sadness settled without us even fighting really. We fell asleep in each other’s arms a little restless but not unsure.
This morning she came to me at work, smiled warmly and we sat, mostly quiet but with a kind of knowing I’ve never had before. And this afternoon we held each other and rested, ate good food and laughed. And the sad things are still hard but we are more than ok.
Nothing perfect here at all, but gosh it’s all I ever needed and I love her I love her I love her.