i don’t know

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i can’t believe
my hand fits perfect on her face

she shakes to sleep most nights
body too full of memories
to drift off easy

and i can’t believe the
God of the universe
meant this unrest for His daughter
for Her daughter

i can’t believe He died on a cross
God and king and servant of us all
Mother of us all
the hands that set the stars in the sky
nailed to a tree of their own design

i can’t even believe my body birthed
babies and i have held them in my arms
bathed fresh in my own blood

i don’t know what i believe
all the time anymore
it’s not all worked out and that
used to terrify me

not having it all worked out
is deadly when you grow up
in a haze of trauma

my wife though
shaky nights and all
steadies me
she teaches me
the safety in i don’t know
she utters it all the time
words like honey
slow and steady
full of grace

i don’t know
she says
and nothing fractures
nothing breaks
no one laughs
or uses it to harm us

i don’t know
this unknowable God
creator of earth and sky
nails in his hands
weeping for me
hundreds of years before
i was born
bathed in blood
just the same as everyone
wrapped in cloth at his death
same as his birth

He is Jesus
God and King
Servant of us all
Setter of stars
Maker of the universe
Mother to me
Father too i suppose

i don’t know
and that is more than okay
my life doesn’t depend on me
having it all figured out
and neither does yours

and yet so many people
have nailed this love
to the cross of knowing
believing it is wrong
casting us like stones
at their own glass houses

i don’t know
how anyone could say
they don’t see
the healing in this
the resurrection power of the cross
in our lives
look how our heads bow
when we hold each other
isn’t that a prayer

still her face fits
in my hand and we stand
at the edge of these oceans
our feet washed in the tide
believing with everything in us
we are Loved
by the one who made time
and sent a baby to rescue us
die and save us all from death
tell me what is believable
or knowable about that

maybe we can rest in that
maybe she can rest in that
sweet love of mine one day
or night drift off to dream
not a shake in her bones
a cradle of grace made of
i don’t knows
holding us both
and we can breathe deep knowing
the God who made us perfectly
Rose for us and the mystery
of that all is enough
to wonder in all our days

-A

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