happy twenty third, love

Kara Kara Kara Kara Kara,

It’s been six months since you walked in that door and all the colors got brighter, since my heart leapt out of my chest and hoped yours would meet it… since we fell in love and turned our lives upside down to be together because we knew it was the rightest thing, because it was so much more than just falling in love, it was finding everything we always and never knew we needed.

It’s been six months and some days I still can’t believe you let me love you. You’re so full of all this grace and warmth, forever folding into me in the softest, sweetest way, looking up at me with the clearest blue eyes like you really love me, like you know all the way deep down I love you too, and I’d be lying if I said I always knew what to do with all that goodness.

Here are some things I do know though- I know that it matters so much that we are doing our best to make a safe place to land for everyone in our little big family. I know that on the hard days when it all seems too much because of all the losses or the heartaches and it seems like there is no fix for any of it, we can hold each other tight til morning and that’s all the fixing our hearts need. I know that I know the goodness of God when I wrap my arms around your waist and you rest your head on my shoulder. And I know that you and I always deserved to be loved like this, so wholly and big, forever no matter what.

Someday I’ll convince you that you’re the best mama, that the way you care for your girls and my kids too is one of the best gifts anyone’s ever given me. Someday you’ll believe me when I say you’re the most gorgeous (god you’re the most gorgeous, it does tear me up a little that you don’t see that).

Someday all this healing will wash away all the years of pain. It happens all the time already, crashing in and sweeping away doubt and hesitation, grief and desperation like waves on the shore. It’s hard sometimes for sure to trade the hard things we’ve always known for the freedom and wild sanctuary of this love- Forever and ever thank you for standing at the edge of the water with me, holding my hand, scary as it is and wading in.

We’ve both done so much letting go to hold onto this, so much has been unfair and it’s nearly killed me to see you so hurt some days. Thank you for choosing this anyway. Thank you for the way you’ve always stood up for this from day one. Thank you for knowing that your heart needs this and letting that matter. Thank you for all the ways you show me love every day, waking up with me, taking care of me, little gifts and sideways glances. Thank you for those slow smiles that start at the corner of your mouth and spread across your whole face like the sunrise. Thank you for mornings full of messy hair and holding. Thank you for reaching out when I shrink back, for loving food and dancing just as much as I do. Thank you for holding steady when I fall and letting me do the same for you. Thank you for all the storytelling, maybe most of all thank you for that- the way you invite me right in to your heart and soul all the time with brilliant recollections from every big and little part of your life is some kind of magic, babe.

It’s been six months since you walked in that door and I can’t wait to spend the next sixty years showing you what I mean when I say you are perfect and how true that really is.

Forever no matter what, I love you I love you I love you.

-Amber

 

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